Nicholas

2008-09-28T00:41:00.005+08:00

i cant sleep so i decided to come back to this rusty old blog. my psp failed me. im bored. well, what can i say. exams are OVER! haha. i deserve this break. i really do. but i feel i have failed you. perhaps i could have done so much more. i know i can. haiz. life's been tough, like leather. so difficult to go through day by day now. sometimes, its unbearable. ok stop to all this nonsense. lets look on the brighter side of life.

now i got holidays. sibei sian. its seems to be a dilemma. got holidays also sian, dun have also sian. i dunno what i want.

exams are over, more things are to come. i've got to be prepared.:P

it was you, who put the clouds above me.
it was you, who made those tears fall down....

2008-08-31T21:10:00.002+08:00

Realised i haven't posted anything for a real long time. yet again my mood is as sombre as anytime i blog. i dunno why either. too many things are pressuring me and i think im on the verge of breaking down. promos are coming, its scaring the shit of me but yet here i am blogging. cibtc is finally asking for CIIs, i wanna apply but prep course is during promos. should i or should i not apply? i cannot go for HRC, its too close to my promos alrdy. everything i am doing now is revolving around this word 'promos' i cannot take it.

There's an ache in my heart i cant describe. my friends have been telling me the same thing i heard years back. i come back and ask myself why am i still doing all this. i really dunno. everytime i hear or see something. there seems to be this force on me. this pain is not like anything i felt before. its worst than doing drills the entire day and my feet ached so badly i limp back home. its just indescribable. i tell myself again, just forget it. then when i see that face again. i forget what i told myself. im a fool. foolishly head over heels. call me stupid, call me dumb but please end my pain. why am i lingering over something that may not even go the way i want it. if you still refuse, slap me in the face and say goodbye. i cant think of the day you leave me. it would be like leaving me a tattoo i will never be gone.

i told myself to give up before, but i realised i really, really, really cannot...

How can i move on, when i'm still in love with you?.. I'm the man who cant be moved...

2008-08-03T23:05:00.002+08:00

guess you must wondering why you can read this.. no, i didnt invite you nor did i make this blog private. im just lazy. lol.. been trying to study recently. i just cant do maths. i dunno why and im really scared cause exams are coming. well, all i can do now is pray. pray hard. i cant rmb what i want to write liao. shit. err.. shit.. really forgotten. nvm, go sleep la. all i do is dream. haiz.

why not coming?? reply me pls..

2008-07-27T15:50:00.002+08:00

i realised that nowadays im real busy. but i dunno exactly what the hell am i busy with. probably now im just finding an excuse to hide away from reality. ytd during meet the parents was just the reality check i needed. haiz. jc life really sucks and it doesnt just end here. i really cannot treat jc as how secondary life would be. otherwise, i cfrm going to a polytechnic next year. its time to wake up my fucking idea and tell myself, " OI! stop dreaming!" haiz. perhaps i really need motivation. but this is something that i am not getting. i should have taken the arts stream. think i wouldnt have failed so many things if i had taken that route. but then, if i taken that, what the hell am i supposed to do in the future? be a teacher? siao ah.. actually i wanted to blog about a number of things but i cant rmb. was too lazy to blog about it. anyway, i planning to make my blog private. too many people are getting access here alrdy. and im getting the quietness that i used to have. over and above is that i dun want people using familiar terms that i wrote on my blog against me. its very weird but annoying at the same time. yes pang wee, i know your reading this and yes, i am 'ranting'.. haha ask me for an invite if you realise you cant enter k guys? most probably will become private in a couple of days time. definitely by next week.

ok, im obsessed with the Dark Knight. its such a great movie. Heath Ledger portrayed the joker in the most sadistc and psychotic way anyone could ever have. i think he is much better than the Jack Nicholson version of it. i simply admired the joker. this second instalment, i think the main focus was more on the joker than the batman. haha. but anyway, go catch it. anyone who havent watch yet? please call me along. i feel like watching it again.

Let's put a smile on that face.. hahahahaha

bye.

2008-07-20T22:21:00.002+08:00

i just realised that this entire week im at cck. felt a bit wtf. but what the heck. hahaha. guess the most bo liao thing last week is the bmtc visit. bloody waste of them. think the only fun thing was the imt shoot. but then, the feeling was kinda been there, done that. cause during my batch of nat camp we did it before liao. yup. and ya, i would very much rather go for cse lecture. at least got video(yes, not movie. in fact was a documentary in CHINESE..) to watch.

then came sat. woke at like 630 then went down to hta to help out for the .38 shooting comp. that was a freaking long day. was super exhausted at the end of the comp. was rather disappointed by my results. I GOT 9 BULLETS STUCK!!! so sad. somemore that was from my figure 2. which means its 45 points. i could have gotten much higher. my final score was 86. 86 + 45 = 151!!!! top ten lowest was i think about 130+.. which means, I COULD HAVE GOTTEN INTO THE FINALS!!! argh!! so sad. haiz... nvm.. next year then say bah.. haha

today, do my wr at weichun's hse together with the rest of them. think we only finish one chap? LOL...

seems like creed is a band that i cant get enough of. too bad they disbanded alrdy.. well..

"with arms wide open,
under the sunlight.
welcome to this place, i'll show you everything.
with arms wide open.
now everything has changed.
i'll show you love, i'll show you everything.
with arms wide open."

2008-07-15T22:03:00.003+08:00

just felt like expressing some thoughts i have been having these few days. well, life hasnt been quite as complicated as these few days were. im still running away from certain issues that i know i must have an answer for. there are indeed some things that now that i think about it, kinda regret doing. but, whats done cant be undone. and im lost. perpetually lost to know what to do.
someone tell me what to do. i feel that i just dun want to lose this feeling that i already have. although it may seem that i have lost it. but everytime, it comes back. i really dunno what to do and i know remaining at status quo will not solve anything. haiz. i really confused.

ok will stop here cause i dunno how to continue. here's a quote i thought of
"you can forget the history of wars that happen, or the suffering of people. But you must never forget you own history"

live life fully and make sure you never live with regrets.

saw this statement in a video shop and has been in my head all the time. ' that which doesnt kill you, only makes you homcidal.'
LOL

bye folks, take care..

2008-07-07T22:02:00.002+08:00

school is starting tml. sian. let me just give you this story about the strawberry pie and blueberry pie. see if you can figure out what this analogy is talking about.

there was once this guy who loved strawberry and blueberry pies. so one day, he decided to go try to get a strawberry pie as he craved for it. but the queue was freaking long. so he queued for like forever. suddenly, a person approaches and offers him a blueberry pie. now the person is very confused. should he continue to queue for the strawberry pie? he already queued for so long and if he were to give up now, he efforts will go to waste. but then the queue is so long, what if in the end there is no more strawberry pie? what should he do?

what should he do? what?

sometimes life is nothing but a joke. and the joke's on who now?
on me perhaps.LOL

see ya..

2008-07-04T21:46:00.000+08:00

fuck la, what the hell is wrong with me. there are really some things that i really wish i didnt see. cause seeing those filth only makes me disgusted. but also at the same time, it feels like a knife through my heart. probably this is retribution. how i wish i dun get to see some stuff. i feel so fucking angry whenever i see it. you think its funny? well, I DUN FUCKING THINK SO! what the fuck is wrong with people sia. cant they just think of others before they do anything. for goodness sake, its public leh. cheebye. i dunno who am i angry with. probably myself. i hate the things im doing and i hate the things people keep doing to me when i sacrifice my time to go and help them. this always never fail to piss me off so badly. why must they do this. why? as i write this, my heart feels so heavy that i cant breathe properly. imagine the anger i have to keep and have been keeping all this time. am i just a puppet for people to manipulate? it aint fair. i need to scream but i cant. what hurts the most is not the things that i go through but its the things i see. everytime i tell myself to forgive and forget. but yet, it just keeps repeating. FUCK YOU. I TRUSTED YOU. AND THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR TRUSTING YOU. THANKS FOR BEING SUCH A GREAT FRIEND. and now being the kind me, probably will yet again forgive and forget. but one things for sure, it most probably will happen again. i wonder what are the wrong things that i have done. why am i deserving of all this. tell me NOW! fuck sia. keeping it inside only rewound whats already there. you cant tell. but i feel it. its bleeding AGAIN. but i bet YOU DUN GIVE A DAMN RIGHT?! i sound like a wuss now. but you know, it really feels that way. that terrible, terrible feeling of being played. i dunno how to face myself anymore. stupid me. do all this nonsense for the sake of getting disappointment and anger all the time. people say they understand but they dun. they dunno fuck shit. all they say all the time is "i understand la, dun worry, its ok one." "aiyah, nevermind one la" let me settle this once and for all, no its not ok and you cannot ever 'nevermind' this kind of things. people just dun see the seriousness of the problem do they. blatantly shoot my ego as if i like the feeling. i am a man and i admit i have an EGO. you shoot my pride in front of people i really have NO FACE to see them. fuck sia.

FYI im not referring to the person who is in my class now

Fuck, am i pissed off or what sia.

P.S. i finally can return the piece of white cloth that has been hanging for God know how long.

2008-07-03T22:52:00.002+08:00

ok i dunno what to blog. just finish talking to one of my npcc seniors. he's such a great guy. probably would never find a another CI like him. he told me " if you can accomplish something so big such as the syfoc, there's nothing you cant achieve." that really hit me. i really hope that i can really do something. thing is will get the chance. he's such a great motivation to me. thanks man.

watching love guru now online. haha its real funny. when it hits screen im gonna catch it again. something from the movie.
intimacy=into-me-i-see..

hahaha

2008-06-28T22:06:00.004+08:00

finally, the syfoc has come to an end. this was a journey of happiness, sadness and anger. but i learnt alot from this event. from the FIs and my fellow CIs. seems like just yesterday that it was my first training at hq, and i like a blur sotong who dunno anyone. haiz, its really sad to say goodbye to this parade.

well, ystd was a great rush. after my math paper i went to hq straight. there was quite a mess due to the cadets changing their uniform parts. but soon after we headed for the indoor stadium. there was only one reharsal for the day. so alan entertain all the GOH ppl. although we have to suffer from hunger during the rehersal, we manage to come through with no casualties. so after that was a talking cock session in the function room. the management in SIS is screwed. so many restrictions. soon after, felicia, weeling and xiwen came. so went up to pass them their tickets. had one more extra. haiz. should not have happened. so then was to the form up point. waited for quite some time for the performances to end. damn sad that i didnt get to see any part of the show sia. heard the band performance was great. then to the form up point. then was the marching in. think i screwed up a bit cause i only joined in the marching after awhile after the music was playing alrdy. but nvm, wasnt very obvious la. see i write then you realise right? haha.. the parade was very SHORT. less then half an hour. LOL then was the march past.(inspection is just boring la, dun talk about it. also if you did not realise, the minister walked away even before the the PC thanked him.LMAO) so cool that they say my name. hahaha..
but when there is a beginning, it comes an end. so after everything finish went back hta for returning arms and photo taking. then FIs came to talk to everyone, the CIs, then i also talked. emotional it may be. especially when Fadzri sir came to talk. he cried. well, that was his last parade. im very happy to been able to have a chance to know him and work with him. his a great guy. so thats about it.

finally, i would like thank Fadzri sir and the other FIs for everything, all the CIs who were there, i learnt a lot of things from all of you and also the cadets, cause without you all there wouldnt be this parade.

yes, my dream has come through. now to the next dream, npap 09 ______ ________.

pics will be up once i get hold of them. bye to whoever reads this. haha

2008-06-18T00:26:00.002+08:00

i think most probably my dream since sec 3 is almost crushed literally. haiz. i really hope tml have to meet ms chew. she is the head operations in npcc. haiz. think is cause of the letter thing. i really hope i dun get expelled from my goh cc position. like this all i have worked for will go down the waste. what to do. i'm really so sad now. i'm speechless now. somemore, i collected my no.1 liao. haiz. ok i dun wanna talk about it. just wish for the best tml.

today went to wanying hse for bbq. apparently it was quite different from the last time. dunno why either. play mahjong for awhile. i won 3 straight sets. haha. so happy.

k i'll write till here. let me pray for the better

Nicholas ah, its time to study. you no longer have a chance to postpone your exams.

Chow.

2008-06-12T22:40:00.002+08:00

oh i feel so irritated now. i wonder when will my letter be given to be. i'm feeling so vexed now. i really dunno what to expect. luckily i dun have nightmares of this sia. otherwise, it would be so haunting. i dun wanna lose my cc position. oh please, give me my letter soon. hopefully tml. which is the next training. i need to breathe normally again. i so scared. what if i lose it. i dun think i will have the mood to take exams. i worked hard for it. to lose it, is just cruel.

i'm quite tired today. went to climb bukit timah hill today. sometimes i wonder what are the things i allow myself to do. tml i have a super long day of training yet i let myself drain it all out. it was fun, but i think i may not be able to concentrate tml. why? i dunno why either. cant seem to focus recently. everything i teach in syf i tend to shutter a little. haiz. perhaps i have been too distracted for reasons i don't know. or do i? see, i contradicted myself. AGAIN. what the hell is going on.

sometimes, dun let the joke be carried too far. it might just bite you back.

2008-06-06T22:11:00.002+08:00

today was syfoc again. well, today ncc screwed up our entire schedule. how can they like last minute change training timeslot. haiz. so in the end just train the cadets in the drill shed. hmm. tthe guard of honour is getting better and better. very happy. cause esp my boys they are doing very well. hope by the time of the syfoc they will be up to standard. and most imptly, the number will reach 50 just nice. as for the girls, they can do much better than what they did today. abit standard drop. well, its still early la. in a way.

ok now im really starting to panic. i hope fi faizal will get back to me soon. and also i can get the letter of excuse asap. otherwise later my bloody school dun accept i can kiss my position goodbye.

im feeling quite tired now. what can i say, i have training cadets since 12 until 6. i deserve to feel tired. furthermore, carrying a sword in scabbard is quite tiring. but the feeling of holding it. indescribable. it makes one feel so YEAH! but thats at the expense of my left boot.:D

take care everyone. i feel tired.

2008-06-03T22:31:00.002+08:00

wah shit..
this post is going to be full of vulgarites.

why must this world be so freaking unfair? i am so close to achieving what i have been aiming then exams must crop up. why must studies always interfere with our life? fuck you education. if the exams are going to ruin my chances in joining the syfoc im going to be super disappointed. haiz. how am i going to tell the FIs? how? i really dun wanna lose this chance leh. its once in a lifetime. im only a step away from it leh. i really hope to be able to postponed my exams sia. haiz. im so frustrated now.. exams or syfoc? haiz.. fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!! what to do....... im so stressed up.... how i wish i get injured now and im unable to participate. at least thats better than watching my cc position being taken away from me. haiz..... oh God, im gonna take my step of faith and believe that You will make a way for me. that You will help me. i cant breathe anymore and i really really want that position.

haiz... im tired... mentally tired... i need someone to talk to. someone who understands.

2008-06-01T23:36:00.001+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF!!!

There, i made my day..:)

cheers everyone!
guess what, someone did bother to msg.. haha...

2008-05-31T23:53:00.002+08:00

just realised my birthday is tml. its kinda become a day thats not worth looking forward too anymore. probably life's become too mundane alrdy. nothing to look forward to. anyway, its just a few minutes to my birthday. i dunno what to write anymore. wonder will someone be kind enough to msg me from overseas. hahaha..

happy birthday to myself.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

2008-05-26T23:50:00.003+08:00

you know what, i seriously feel that pw is a complete waste of time. although my group is producing desired outcomes but its really wasting a lot of time. for instance today, went form 1 - 4 doing nothing at all sia. seriously, i see why is it so important. and like its only my school thats rushing to complete everything. anyway, lets look on the brighter side of things. i think i stand a high chance of getting the goh commander position. haha. i really hope i can get it. its really a once in a lifetime thing. whats more, i've been talking about it like forever.
well, hols are here liao. but i think im not really gonna enjoy it. my birthday is supposingly coming up soon. but its gonna be the same story as last year again. sian. not that im going to have training on that day, its something else. but anyway, everything goes on as usual. usually boring and mundane. realise i have a talent in writing this sort of crap, which will help my gp essay very much. yeah! kill two birds with one stone again. thats my china studies teacher's favourite quote. speaking of which tml got his class. hope i really can do the essay questions for cse sia. other subjects im not so worried but cse i am. what can i do sia. no facts to write about mah. tml gotta wake up effing early. shit.

just one more day with you. hearing your voice it sounds so sweet.

The Time of My Life
David Cook

I’ve been waiting for my dreams
To turn into something
I could believe in
And looking for that
Magic rainbow
On the horizon
I couldn’t see it
Until I let go
Gave into love and watched all the bitterness burn
Now I’m coming alive
Body and soul
And feelin’ my world start to turn

And I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time
To be more than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life

Holding onto things that vanished
Into the air
Left me in pieces
But now I’m rising from the ashes
Finding my wings
And all that I needed
Was there all along
Within my reach
As close as the beat of my heart

So I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life

And I’m out on the edge of forever
Ready to run
I’m keeping my feet on the ground
My arms open wide
My face to the sun

I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
This is the time
This is the time of my life.
This is the time of my life.

2008-05-21T22:26:00.002+08:00

i really dunno what the hell am i doing nowadays. the things i do is just foolish. i dunno why i know what im doing is not right, but yet i continue proceeding in doing so. the feeling just sucks. i cant seem to find an explanation for the foolish things i have been doing. i just want to stop it. its really super idiotic and i have hurt people's trust in me through such acts. this must come to a stop. but how? i wonder. anyway, today has been a damn f up day so far. nothing seems to be right. everything i do is wrong. the most ridiculous thing is, i know is wrong yet i carry on doing it. theres this inexplicable fear i have in me. i need peace. lots and lots of peace. there's just too much for a person to handle in jc. whether is it coping with studies or cca. sometimes, the government is just being a fussy little spoilt brat always making us do this and do that. they treat us more like robots than actual human beings. shit sia. i dun want to screw up anymore things. now all i can do is, take a deep breath and continue with life. im just tired. very very tired. and my mind is still preoccupied cause its hurts to see someone dear struggling and yet you cant do anything.

All for One, All for Love
Bryan Adams

When it's love you give
(I'll be a man of good faith. )
then in love you live.
I'll make a stand. I won't break.
I'll be the rock you can build on,
be there when you're old,
to have and to hold.
When there's love inside
I swear I'll always be strong.
then there's a reason why.
I'll prove to you we belong.
I'll be the wal that protects you
from the wind and the rain,
from the hurt and pain.

Let's make it all for one and all for love.
Let the one you hold be the one you want,
the one you need,
'cause when it's all for onee it's one for all.
When there's someone that should know
then just let your feelings show
and make it all for one and all for love.

When it's love you make
I'll be the fire in your night.
then it's love you take.
I will defend, I will fight.
I'll be there when you need me.
When honor's at stake,
this vow I will make:

that it's all for one and all for love.
Let the one be the one you want,
the one you need,
'cause when it's all for one it's one for all.
When there's someone that should know
then just let your feelings show
and make it all for one and all for love.

Don't lay our love to rest
'cause we could stand up to you test.
We got everything and more than we had planned,
more than the rivers that run the land.
We've got it all in our hands.

Now it's all for one and all for love.
It's all for love.
Let the one you hold be the one you want,
the one you need,
'cause when it's all for one it's one for all.
It's one for all.
When there's someone that should know
then just let your feelings show.
When there's someone that you want,
when there's someone that you need
let's make it all, all for one and all for love.

2008-05-13T21:49:00.003+08:00

tml is the final countdown to one of the most important events in my life. tml is chem SPA. which is 1/6 of of 24% of my entire chemistry A levels. well, i hope im prepared sia. i think i am. i hope i am. cant believe that i suddenly feel that i can do SPA. few weeks ago i was still oblivious to all my stoichiometry. and now, i can do it. unbelievable. but then, i really hope i can do well for that. SYFOC is coming up. im getting kinda of nervous of what to expect there sia. i hope i can get to be something i want in the parade. dont really have anything to blog about. failing everything in school. so all i can hope for is i do well for SPA.

commitment are not those who serve with recognition
commitment are those who serve even without recognition

its a small world

2008-05-10T22:25:00.002+08:00

today went out to do PW. think thats like the easiest thing to pass but at the same time the most irritating subject of all. so troublesome sia. but at least we managed to complete out GPP. or at least most of it. guess what, i met my cousin at the library studying. lol. she's damn hardworking. if only i were half as hardworking as her. then after finishing the stuff, went to jurong entertainment centre. there i met my second uncle and family. its like so coincidence la. haha. but today morning was seriously a waste of time. went to see the doctor to get mc. sekali wait so long in the end still must go see specialist. kena sai sia. anyway, nothing much for the rest of the day. told you life nowadays is damn sian.

when you smile, nothing in this world seems to matter anymore
when you are down and i didnt say anything, its not i dun want to cheer you up, its that i dunno how.
when i asked you something, im not trying to be a busybody, im just worried.

Tongue Tied by Faber Drive
"Bright, cold silver moon. Tonight alone in my room.
You were here just yesterday.
Slight turn of the head, eyes fell when you said,
I guess I need my life to change.
Seems like something's just not the same.
What could I say?

I'll need a little more luck than a little bit,
cause everytime I get stuck, the words won't fit.
And everytime that I try I get tongue tied,
I need a little good luck to get me by.
I need a little more help than a little bit.
Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet.
Cause everytime that I try to get tongue tied,
I need a little good luck to get me by this time.

I stare up at the stars,
I wonder just where you are,
you feel a million miles away. (I wonder just where you are).
Was it something I said, or something I never did?
Or was I always in the way? (Was it something I did).
Can someone tell me what to say, to just make you stay?

I'll need a little more luck than a little bit,
cause everytime I get stuck, the words won't fit.
And everytime that I try I get tongue tied,
I need a little good luck to get me by.
I need a little more help than a little bit.
Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet.
Cause everytime that I try I get tongue tied,
I need a little good luck to get me by this time.

I know it feels like again,
don't want to be here again.
And we could help each other off the ground, so we never fall down again.
And what it takes I don't care, we're gonna make it I swear.
And we could help each other off the ground, so we never fall down again, again.

I need a little more luck than a little bit,
cause every time I get stuck, the words won't fit.
But everytime that I try I get tongue tied,
I need a little good luck to get me by.
I need a little more help, than a little bit.
Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet.
Cause everytime that I try to get tongue tied,
I need a little good luck to get me by this time.

I know it feels like again,
don't want to be here again.
And we could help each other off the ground, so we never fall down again.
And what it takes I don't care, we're gonna make it I swear.
And we could help each other off the ground, so we never fall down again

dehumanised?!

2008-05-07T22:19:00.002+08:00

today was yet another sian day for me(everyday is sian la honestly) something struck me today at assembly. the teacher said something about being dehumanised and living everyday just for the sake of it. you know what, thats entirely how im living now. i think i really dun live like a human anymore. i live everyday waiting for the next to arrive. theres seems to be nothing in life to look forward to. all im doing now is nothing but work. focusing only on the A levels next year. and yet, the school said they will be trying to help us to not fall into that "trap". but guess, they are a little too late. im already dehumanised. im no longer alive. im like the living dead. what can i do? i do not know. perhaps the answer has always been right in front of me. perhaps. i go to school everyday for the sake of passing the entire day?! i dun used to feel like this. im no longer the person that everyone used to know. have i changed or have YOU changed? am i different or are YOU different. dun judge others the way you dun want them to judge you. people out there! this means use your super high RAM thing in your head to process everything before doing anything stupid. you get it?! the very thing you think is funny might just hurt the person you are referring to. have a heart(and a brain), dun do such stupid things again. treasure the person thats right in front of you. the one that goes to school with you, the one that helps you with your work, the one that sacrifices himself for you. dun take for granted. God put that person in your life for a reason. dun regret when the person leaves you for it will be too late.

im supposed to feel relieved after all that you know. but yet i feel the same. perhaps im really dehumanised.

knowledge is power, but sometimes knowing too much might just kill you softly.

whats the point.. and the story goes

2008-05-04T00:52:00.003+08:00

i finally come to an understanding whereby some things are just better of not known. some things once you find out, you feel so bad you feel so bad you just want to die. why die when you can live? some people ironically would just die to let some one dear to live. why am i saying this? i recently realise that the people around me have changed. i no longer can talk to them like i used to. perhaps because now we dont see each other that often or something. but now friends have become acquaintances. its like a hi-bye relationship with them now. i really dunno why, and people say you meet life long friends in secondary school. im sad to say, if thats so, we'll never meet friends we will know for life. wonder why people would just like to keep things to themselves and just emo at one corner. think thats just the culture nowadays. yet again, i think about it, sad to say i kinda do that to sometimes. well, lets not dwell too much on that. lest, i get more emo as well.

my exam timetable are out, my syfoc timetable is out too. guess what, they clash. wtf. i really really really want to participate in the syfoc parade. its once every 2 yrs leh. somemore i really want to achieve something in npcc before i leave. and thats my only chance to do it cause i can try out for the GOH commander. i want to get that position so much. really so much. so what am i to do. i would really sacrifice my MYE for it sia. i know its not right. but then, teacher said as long can get letter from HQ, should be alright for me to sit at a later date.

ok, it's kinda of late. like now is 1am in the morning. cant sleep leh. dunno why.

i just realised something, now i live every day waiting for the next one to arrive. life seems meaningless.

goodbye apathy.

thank God for labour day, but i very much prefer the holidays

2008-05-01T23:42:00.002+08:00

suddenly felt like blogging. i dunno why. but then my blog is kinda of dead so i have all the privacy i can have. hehe. schools been as usual. like what weeling said before, so far so suck. haha. yea, i really think being in school is like no life. sometimes i feel so dead in school. all i want to is to go npcc so much. i miss npcc so much. miss all the teachings, scoldings, parades and so on so for. see! npcc is so much fun. cant understand why some people just dont know how to appreciate it. talking about npcc, the syfoc is coming up. guess what the parade clashes with my exams, haiz, sian. i really want to join it so much. been talking about even before i become a ci. :(
today, was a resting day for me. slept the entire day. but yet, i didnt sleep enough yet. i simply cant get enough of sleep sia. i seem to have a sleeping disorder.
i shall stop here now. got a call. see ya(whoever is out there)

God, I'm real tired.

2008-04-26T22:31:00.003+08:00

Salvation finally came today. slept from 1130 ytd to like 12 plus today. i think i only woke up for lunch and went back to sleep later. so i practically hibernated today. YES!! i really needed sleep. everyday sleep for only 5 hours is not say very little but then, i dun get the fulfillment i want. hehe. well, school's been mundane as usual. nothing special happening. sad to say, but really nothing. get the feeling like i'm getting sick of life. nothing to do, nothing to say. tell me the purpose of living again? i kinda forget what it is anymore. give me something to do. give me something to be looking forward to. i hate what it is now. its like nothing interest me. people talk to me, is not that i dun wanna to reply them or anything. is just i cant find words to say. im sick of this. im sick of everything. i would not say God has not been fair to me or anything. its just that my world is like black & white now. its so depressing to go through life the way im doing so now. where have all my hopes, dreams and aspirations gone to? i can tell you, its down the drain. i cant contribute anything to my cca. so thats my hopes gone. i cant lead the way i want too cause it seems wrong to some people. so thats my dream. my aspirations? that i dunno yet. it sucks big time when everything you do people comment about it. you help them, they scold you. shit man. i really hope such motherfuckers would just die off this face of earth. you cant appreciate at least pretend to be grateful. i would very much 'appreciate' it.

You know what? this blog is fucking useless. i cant express anything i want to say
without people coming to tell me i wrote something offending towards them. honestly speaking, if you think that person is you, why cant you just think about whether if that thing you did would actually cause hurt to another. why so guilty? see, now i say this, confirm there will be people come say me. be it sooner or later. accept reality people, do onto others what you want others do upon you. well, lemme tell you, its payback time.

think the unthinkable, believe the unbelievable, forgive the unforgivable. can you do so? in fact, i dun really know if i myself can do so. im sick and tired of all the shit im getting. cause at the end of the day, the amount i give is proportionate to the amount of disappointment i get, or maybe even more.

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

2008-04-20T00:48:00.002+08:00

"what is power? when a criminal is brought to the emperor and he begs for mercy. the emperor pardons him. why? he is worthless man. that is power." got that from schlinder's list. cool movie, but yet, how true is that statement. how true...

pull yourself together. some things are simply not worth time wasting upon.

piang eh

2008-04-03T21:43:00.001+08:00

heard some news, my heart sank immediately. in fact its still sinking. please dun frighten me.

no, this cant be it

2008-03-30T09:02:00.002+08:00

i think i finally know the meaning of waking up on the wrong side of my bed. these fews days has been quite bad. i never felt like this before. everything seems to be wrong. and its not supposed to happen this way. i feel so isolated. sometimes i wonder if reality is as what i know it should be. i cant understand why everybody must hide things from me. all i ask for is transparency. is that so hard to get? maybe i admit i dont really talk of about certain things. but yet, people are hiding so much that im oblivious of what i ought to know. it ain't fair to me. i believe that some things that concern me, i have the right to know. whether if you hate me, detest me or whatever that is, i can know. so will everybody in this bloody world stop hiding the truth from me. then when i say this, people will come and compare. saying that even in the political world there are things hidden from the people. i say, fuck you. you dunno shit about the political world. cause, even i dunno much about that. i need the truth badly. i dun ever want to linger anymore. its too taxing.

i went sleep hoping to forget everything. but yet the truth never fails to come back to haunt me.

i'm tired. but no one believes me.

2008-03-29T18:00:00.003+08:00

sometimes i wonder why my mum can be quite insensitive at times. for example, this morning i was so tired that until 11 plus i was still in bed. yet she comes to call me to wake up and go malaysia. my entire body was aching like i was in a washing machine the night before. couldnt even get up. so i told her i dun want to go. and then, she gave me attitude. i really dun want to quarrel with her, so i just shut up and sit and read my newspaper. haiz. i dunno why she is like that. so she didnt give me money and i had to make do with what i have for my meals. i'm really sick of this.

anyway, saw something again today. shit, im starting to really detest that fellow. to make things worst i hated him ever since i saw him. for no reason whatsoever.

it's difficult to get to what i am, but its even worst being at what i am.
CI, CI wake up please. your cadets need you.

i feel like im walking on a thin thread, i cant breathe properly anymore.

what a shitty day

2008-03-27T22:11:00.002+08:00

well, in one word to describe my day today. crap. everything went bad, real bad. in fact, i hated today and i wished it never will happen again. well, first thing today, i was nearly late for school. the bloody bus was freaking full and all just went past me. i dunno which moron would actually put 6 schools in the same area. that really shows how smart our government is. i admit i left late today, but then to have every bus filled up is just atrocious. sometimes, i just want to go up to the parliament house and scream at those idiots. next thing was during gp class i kena shoot like siao. but then i was really freaking damn tired la. dun have enough sleep recently, but i was really trying my best to pay attention. some things i didnt take down cause i didnt think it was necessary. for goodness sake, the person beside me didnt take down either! haiz, i really hope that would not happen again. next, math class, i have to say that some people really never think through what they say and just blabber nonsense out. they are so insensitive of the things around them and they think people would not mind. problem they DO. thats the problem with most girls in my class. we guys do so much to compromise them and yet they talk without using their brains. i'm really very tired and tml's gonna be yet another long day. got oath taking in the afternoon and cca gathering at night. die. i need sleep, badly

shit

2008-03-13T23:44:00.002+08:00

i suspected that i would be real careless today and guess what? i was.. shit. not going to elaborate what exactly happened but just feel like killing myself now. i feel damn bad now. nvm.. next year will be a even better one. i promise you. very tired now.. goodnight.

wieid morning

2008-03-12T22:57:00.003+08:00

woke up today in shock thinking it was 13th march.. think smth crossed my mind and i was like SHIT! fortunately, my phone was beside me and i realised the real date. worst still, i had this damn weird dream that i was back in qtss and the school was invaded by some weird creatures that will only repel pure gold. after i woke up(fully). i felt like wtf was that dream. its been a real funny day today like for instance, i cooked instant noodles and there were two packets of soup base inside. i was feeling that im going to be lucky. hope i will be. especially tml. got a lot of things that are going to happen. hope nothing screws up for i will kill anyone who sabotaged including myself. wahahahaha. 1 hr more. to what? for me to know, for you to find out. that FYI, is the CIs islandwide, favourite slogan or whatever you want to call it. im bored. suddenly just feel so. dunno why also. need to find something to do but definitely not homework. dun understand a shit abt the work that is assigned to me at all.. die... how am i going to do my As next yr. and worst still, my A level chi is in may and i cant understand a single thing... ahhhhhh.. someone help me!!!.. ok stop here now. need to relax a bit now..

what the hell is going on with my life??

2008-03-10T22:30:00.002+08:00

just fell out with my cell leader. so can someone tell me what on earth is Christianity about. isnt it about a relationship between us and this great man who died for us so that we could be forgiven? i really start to wonder now. maybe what someone told me before is kinda real. im not skeptic about my beliefs just that something seems to be missing. like a piece of a puzzle that is gone. even no matter how much you try to cover the gap up, there will still be a difference from the original. i think for my case, its more that i dont believe in what the church believes in doing. maybe the church im going now is not right for me. maybe i dont believe in being a charismatic christian. i really dunno. i do believe in God. its just that i dun believe in the way the church thinks is the correct way. haiz i really dunno. and i really dun feel like pondering over it at this point in time.

her birthday is coming up and shit i dun really know what to get her. die.......

tml got extra trng and now i got super stomachache. hope it recovers by tml.

what exactly matters most?

2008-03-04T18:48:00.002+08:00

just realised something unpleasant and i couldnt help but feel a bit disappointed. well, i cant stop anything from happening. so if i dun belong here and people do not want to accept then all i can say that. too bad. cause all i want is to do my part. if i dun have a chance to do so, then dun say im not doing anything at the end of the day cause you did not tell or inform me anything. im not gonna give a fuck anymore cause i had enough. just forget it ok? im not welcomed then so be it. think i will maybe just concentrate more on my studies now, i feel im a bit suffocated by it cause everythings so new. but then anyway, who cares?

i'm so sick of this nonsense? you too right? so let's end with a happy song..:)

Nine in the Afternoon
Panic At The disco

Back to the street where we began
Feeling as good as lovers can, you know
Yeah we're feeling so good

Pickin’ up things we shouldn’t read
It looks like the end of history as we know
It’s just the end of the world

Back to the street where we began
Feeling as good as love, you could, you can

Into a place where thoughts can bloom
Into a room where it's nine in the afternoon
And we know that it could be
And we know that it should
And you know that you feel it too
'Cause it's nine in the afternoon

And your eyes are the size of the moon
You could 'cause you can so you do
We're feeling so good
just the way that we do
When it's nine in the afternoon

Your eyes are the size of the moon
You could 'cause you can so you do
We're feeling so good

Back to the street
Down to our feet
Losing the feeling of feeling unique
Do you know what I mean?

Back to the place
Where we used to say
Man it feels good to feel this way
Now I know what I mean

Back to the street, back to the place,
Back to the room where it all began, hey
Back to the room where it all began
'Cause it's nine in the afternoon

Your eyes are the size of the moon
You could 'cause you can so you do
We're feeling so good
Just the way that we do
When it's nine in the afternoon

slience

2008-02-15T22:21:00.003+08:00

today is awfully quiet and i dunno why. everything seems to like go past right in frony of me yet, i am numb to all. cant use words to describe the emptiness i feel now. cant understand why as well. i dunno what to write anymore. i dun want to start school yet. i have too many things i haven finish doing yet.

Tonight - FM Static

"Tonight I'm falling and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you I can just look up
And know the stars are
Holding you, holding you, holding you
Tonight"

what great lyrics..

sick

2008-02-11T21:32:00.000+08:00

today is the 11 of feb. another 8 more days before the release of the posting of schools. dun feel any excited at all. seem to have the feeling that i already expect where would i go. haiz. i dunno to feel happy or sad. either way, i really dunno. think i've fallen sick. got a real bad headache. actually, i have been feeling like this for over a week liao. but it got worst this few days. haiz. damn sian. nowadays, im getting more sian of life. really is nothing better to do. i mean literally. tell me what to do. im sick of life like this.

If I had eyes in the back of my head
I would have told you that
You looked good
As I walked away

chinese new year lots of fun? i dun feel leh..

2008-02-07T22:50:00.000+08:00

today is chinese new year.. so, HAPPY CNY everyone! so went visitations the whole day. very hectic. damn sian. dunno why this year like very boring. no fun at all. maybe cause getting bored liao. need smth new. haha. but not giving out angbao la. so i completed my temp job recently. got money now. but not a lot. need to go get a new peaked cap and maybe drill cane.. see how la. peaked cap more impt. cause i think going for marshalling duty once npap comes. haiz. campcraft comp like no hope can go help out liao la. sian. i need to clock finish my hours soon. got not much time left. so many things to do, so little time. haiz. finally, i finished my drill manual. so happy. but then need to pass to liling. haiz. wasted a lot of time cause my comp crashed. everything gone, so have to rewrite everything. worst thing is that my comp so unstable dun dare to type it in. later all gone again. so its HANDWRITTEN!. ppl who read this in the future better appreciate it sia. haha..

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shakin off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can u see what I see

They're tryin to come back, all my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What u need, what u need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do u see what I see

an inspiration

2008-02-03T21:14:00.000+08:00

its been awhile since i've been to church and i feel ood to be back. been really tired out from my temp job. thank God tml is my last day and i get my pay.:) well, nothing much to blog about but want to just share this poem by Linda Ellis to everyone.

The Dash Poem
I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

after listening to this poem i felt really touched. how are we spending our lives now? good or bad? are we spending our dash the way it should be? i hope mine will be the way i want to be spent...

work!!

2008-01-31T22:09:00.000+08:00

today first day in my life i started to work. quite an experience. except, i think my back hurts real bad now. the office had really nice ppl and im lucky for that. ell, whole day just packed stuff and moved stuff. the office ppl also joked ard. the atmosphere there was great. i dunno what to write now. a bit mental block. must be the fatigue. well, will just stop here. goodnight.

is it too late to apologise?

In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be

why so boring?

2008-01-30T22:24:00.000+08:00

just realised that when you have Os, you wish to have hols. but now, i have hols, yet im so bored. got nothing better to do sia. just counting day by day. need smth to kill time sia. tml got a temp job at suntec. hope its not too boring or anything. but, at least thats smth to do. i really dunno what to write. just doing so for the sake of doing so. those out there if yo[u feel bo liao. try searching jeff dunham on youtube, he's a ventriloquist. its really funny. try it.

borrrrrrrrrrrring.

Maybe the season
The colours change in the valley skies
Dear God I've sealed my fate
Running through hell, heaven can wait

wasted day

2008-01-29T22:41:00.001+08:00

today went back to sch for the campcraft trng. haiz. dunno what are they doing sia. all got classes yet nvr say. its freaking irritating to just go back for fun. at least i accomplished asking mr khoo to write a testimonial for me. wonder will it work though. hope i will not use it at the end. so after that went off, got fed up. lingered ard till about six then went home. i had this feeling that im going to meet someone, and i really did..:) been getting a lot of job offers recently, dunno why. must be someone out there anyhow recommend. for eg, got one fellow he called me to go down for an interview at eunos. he said the job pays $500 a week and its freelance. sounds too good to be true. anyone interested to go check it out with me tell me. its on tues. just found out that we have to report to sch right after we get our posting. well, that sucks.

Don't give up
I won't give up on you
I've been loyal without having something to prove
I'm not a killer
I'm just killing your doubts

Don't you know that
I'll be here forever
Even if you leave
And if you look for something better
Soon you'll see
That you're addicted to me

wasted day

2008-01-29T22:41:00.000+08:00

an honest mistake

2008-01-28T22:47:00.000+08:00

today was the day of submission of the jae. since i cam back from malaysia, everyone who initially wanted to go poly came telling me that its better to go jc. they were persuading me the benefits of going into one. think i must be persuaded by them. cause, im trying for the jc! im trying for cjc now. hopefully i can get in. *praying hard. but after what someone said smth to me. it left me thinking, why am i so desperate to go to cjc after giving up hope going there? i really dunno. but i still remain hope to get in. but at the same time, it might be a bad idea. you (the reader) know why. i made a real careless mistake, i went to submit some infocomm course as one of my choices. haiz. so careless. but fuck poly, im going to a jc. YEAH!!

i got a temp job this thurs, pays $8 an hour. not bad. dunno how long are the hours though. anyone at the suntec area, im available for lunch!!. haha.

this love is taken its toll one
she said goodbye too many times before
her heart is breaking in front of me
and i had no choice
cause i won't say goodbye anymore

dilemma..

2008-01-25T14:35:00.000+08:00

well, got back my results ytd. dunno whether should be happy or not. enough points to enter a jc but not a very good one and is damn FAR away. have to take into consideration that i have to go back queenstown somemore. so i decided. im going to a poly. thats where the big headache comes. should go sp and take chemical engineering OR np to take chemical & biomolecular engineering. im more attracted to the np course. but then, at least i know got ppl i know going to sp and the same course. haiz. so how? damn irritating sia the feeling. anyway, i got till sunday to decide. am going to malaysia again. sian, i just want to stay at home or at least in the country. at least i can call ppl for advice. in malaysia call who? anw, bo bian la.

im glad to see you do well, its been like forever since i've seen you smile. im happy for you..

I'm a house of cards
in a hurricane
A reckless ride
In the pouring rain
She cuts me and the pain
Is all I wanna feel
She'll dance away just like a child
She drives me crazy
Drives me wild
But I'm helpless when she smiles

tired..

2008-01-24T11:04:00.000+08:00

feel that i've been kinda an ass recently. feel so much like killing myself. sorry to whoever were affected in a way or another by me. im too preoccupied by the things i haven settle. everything im doing is so careless. haiz. i need to get back on track. anyway, getting back Os results later. haiz. i dunno what to feel. just want to take, if need to cry then cry, go crazy then go crazy. i hope i have done well. i dun want to disappoint my parents. they have so much hope on me. i place my hopes on God now. He knows what is going to happen for He planned it. i believe in His plans for me. going to prepare myself now. good luck to all whoever taking their results..

i feel so damn bad and guilty. sorry weeling and weiling. get well soon.

what the hell

2008-01-07T22:32:00.000+08:00

been going back queenstown very frequently cause of the campcraft training sessions. i really wonder, i really dun feel like going back yet there are so many bo liao people who purposely go back for fun. really is jiak ba eng leh. anyway, im quite pleased with the girls' team. they have really improved a lot. just a little bit more and they can make it. for the boys' team however, it was the first time i saw them training today. they are in deep shit. if they still do not want to train regularly, they can might as well dun participate. some of them can even ask what are they supposed to do. haiz. really dunno how to say them and also dun feel like saying them anymore. mr khoo came to talk to the team. hope it helps. he made the CIs join in doing. we were like wth. but then bo bian la. for the sake of their overall well-being we just went in. so helped out. i realised that i did everything faster than everyone, ending up i had nothing to do. perhaps, CI liao mah.LOL. i dun feel the same spirit we had two years ago. something is missing from the current thing and i cant seem to find it. its not my job to find it. its supposed to be instilled in them. or maybe, nurtured. well, there are more days ahead for training. for example, tml theres another one. its really tiring, i feel for the cadets. cause, i didnt even train so hard when i was a cadet. but for the CIs, its exhausting as well. i hope that we can do it for the comp, i know we can!

weeling, what happened? relax la.. everything will be alright.. just call me if theres anything.. im just a call away.(:

and all my tears, they roll down my face. why did you turn away?

happy new year!!

2008-01-01T04:45:00.000+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE!! well, i know its late, but just cant sleep cause its way pass the hour when i feel sleepy.LOL. went to watch the fireworks just now. wasnt very fantastic but at least i did smth different this year. need to apologise to someone cause i kinda ruined that person's new year. so, sorry. i will make it up to you. promise.:). nothing much to write liao. what do you think its 4am in the morning!
goodnight.

final post of the yr

2007-12-31T11:38:00.000+08:00

a recap of the yr? no way. i just want to get over and done with this yr. its been a sucky yr and i hate it a lot. awards never take, still got things just vanished from my life instantly. the worst part of not taking awards is that my teacher gave me a fucking lame excuse saying what there can be only 2 ppl getting it but then anthony could have gotten it like next yr as well. haiz. dun even want to talk about it nor do i want to blame anyone abt it. all i can say is that im just plain unlucky. what else about this yr? pastor said this year was a victorious year. he forgot to add that is for him only. no matter i still give thanks to God for the year. at least, i survived it. so what can i expect in the year to come? im in anticipation cause i will starting my new year in a new school and also as a newly appointed cadet inspector. i feel that i dun want to remain in this area anymore. some of the CIs are just plain superficial and im afraid of them. in fact, terrified. one moment they can be your friends the next the devil in them comes out. just received a damn superficial mail from them. its damn lame."this is not shooting or anything. but i hope the replies will not include any shooting." quoted from my email. lame right? these people like got nothing better to do. perhaps this holiday is the darkest days of my life. i dunno how i made it through but i have done it. some things i really yearn to have it back. but, it seems all so far away. putting my faith again? i think i still will. times like this, only needs us to grow stronger and face it bravely. so i think i will just end here. wish everyone(including myself) a blessed new year ahead.cheers!

pics

2007-12-26T11:02:00.000+08:00

ok.. now for the POP pics..

me and mum without rank yet..

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AREA 14!!!

Falcons!!!

Father donning rank

Mother donning rank

Family photo

Me and my Bunkmate..

Me and course coordinator, Zi qi(couldnt find the other one..LOL)

Me and jin yuan

Before

After

well, presenting to you Cadet Inspector Nicholas Yee from the 73th batch Cadet Inspectors' Basic Training Course. have to wait for hq to send more pics. so in the mean time, these are all i have..hehe

one day tour

2007-12-25T23:17:00.000+08:00

well, today went to malaysia for my uncle's engagement. so freaking boring. like wasted my day. but then, he has no other relatives ecpet for us. so bo bian just go. nothing much happened. damn bored. tml is jun hao's bday. going to celebrate with the rest. will post the POP photos soon. damn lazy to do it now..hehe

pop

2007-12-23T23:03:00.000+08:00

Finally graduated from CIBTC as a P/CI. yes. one thing is, it rained during the parade. so sad. trained so hard yet it rained. it was kinda a bittersweet feeling. (want to know why ask me personally.) so then affixation of ranks of the parents in the harmony hall. was a proud moment sia. after so, photo taking session. first time i felt so like a cam whore.LOL. anyway, pics will be posted next time when i have time. quite number.

bye..

ATC

2007-12-19T23:52:00.000+08:00

well, im back from ATC..

Day 1
(honestly, got a lot of things but im too tired to write down..LOL)

ask me to tell you the stories..hehe

bye..

lol

2007-12-15T23:29:00.000+08:00

everything feels so different now. finally i get to meet her today but yet we didnt say a word to each other. not even a simple "hi". how did our relationship turn 360 degrees so dramatically. i feel so sad. but yet, happy at the same time cause i finally get to see her. haiz. this feeling sucks so badly. no wonder there's a song that sings, " what's hurts the most is being so close. and, having so much to say but yet watch you walk away." i cant go on like this. on the surface i may seem alright. but then inside it really upsets me terribly. but then, what can i do but just wait. oh Lord, give me strength.

well, tml is Adventure Training Camp. sian. will be back on the 19th dec. so anything. till then we shall talk. got to go back to packing now. sucks sia. ATC.

i"ll be with you where ever you go, through the eyes of the fly on the wall.

CIBTC RC

2007-12-14T08:03:00.000+08:00

Day 1(5 dec)
this is a day i have not looking forward to. woke up bloody early, like 5 plus. then double checked my stuff and got ready to look for the outram guys and flo at lot to go to HTA. upon reaching there, the outram guys(kay yong and lian an) and i did the trademark thing again. since the toilets so crowed to change to full u, we went to the handicap toilet and change. haha. so funny sia. everybody was staring at us when we came out from there. but at least this time, we didnt get scolded. after that they had some stupid course opening which is for the instructors to receive their certificates of becoming a full fledged Cadet Inspector. then came the law lecture. its was damn funny. the lecturer talk all the vulgarities and only talk on sex laws. haha. so funny. he kept talking abt the penal code 377a. thats the one on gay. haha.and then the legal age for girls to have sex is actually 14 and above.lol realised the alot of acts in Singapore. everything you can think of, theres an act for it. lol. an example of a lame one is the cattle act. Singapore got sheep meh?LOL. finishing that was the first time we had lunch at HTA. surprisingly, the food was quite good leh. then came the worst part of the day. as we were in full u, we cannot carry our bags, furthermore, we had to march. carrying our heavy bags with our hands was just torturous. after that hand pain like siao. the rest of the day was rather boring, all the different kind of lectures by instructors so nothing special.

Day 2(6 dec)
whole day also sian. do all the lame things. first time i fail uniform inspection in my whole NPCC life. then was drills and drills and more drills.(leg starting to hurt liao). then was the field activities such as orienteering. like geog lesson sia.

Day 3(7 dec)
drills, drills and more drills.(my claf muscle starting to hurt quite badly.) after that was more field work all the campcraft and sorts. things i alrdy know. so i just spent the whole lesson disturbing people. haha. ok la, got teach some blur people(oops!) things also la. haha. nothing special except coords scold us for fun. (speaking of the coords, the course coord is damn funny in saying commands. he favourite command is "Dalam Siku Barisan Kekanan Lurus.) every dismissal he will nvr fail to say that. anw the command means elbow dressing.)

Day 4(8 dec)
i finally get to hold the sword and learn how to do the drills liao!(which eventually will cause me to have my greatest regret by far). so lucky that i can wear the sword belt as well. it was damn cool la. one thing is, sword drill is not easy. but no kick for me la!. haha. the rest of the day was as usual. lectures again. *yawn.

Day 5(9 dec)
HALF WAY OVER! today was sunday so they did not make us to PT in the morning so i could sleep longer.(anw, my sleeping time is from 2330 to 0500, count how many hours is that. and on normal days i wake up at 0400) more drills again. today i had to teach drills. it was the drill cane. i think i did quite well. problem is that i did not spread out my work to my partners evenly and that the BLOODY DRILL BOOK TEACH WRONG THING!. then was the first pop trng. raining(it rained EVERYDAY). do hentak kaki like fuck. ( now my balls of the feet hurt real bad, nearly couldnt walk)

Day 6(10 dec)
nothing much on this day. only got a lecture on NPCC history which was quite interesting and yet hypnotic at the same time. the lecturer was like in NPCC since the time NPCC started. LOL. so who better to explain to us then him?

Day 7(11 dec)
COLLECT NO. 1! wah, damn heng still got la. so damn happy when i got to know of it. lucky have sia. haha. after that the head training ms serene boo, she brifed us on the new training framework. a lot of changes, seems like the plan to cut down on the duration of training but yet at the same time, add new things. found out also that being a CI got a lot of privileges. im think i may be going Australia next yr! so after was the pop trng. rain again so sleep at auditorium for awhile. damn freaking tired. at night got this honorary officer come talk to us abt 7 habits of effective people. bloody boring so i fell asleep and then kena caught by him. haha. like ernest wong except more boring.

Day 8(12 dec)
whole day no need to wear full u(finally my leg can rest). so was just campcraft whole day. and also maybe talk cock session with my squad mates.

Day 9(13 dec)
GO HOME! but not so early la. the changed the classification shoot to pop trng. wah fuck, hold the bloody rifle for so long. buey tahan sia. then somemore i kena sunburn cause the sun was scorching for the first time. but it rain in the afternoon. after pop was drill assessment so i did drills for like 8am-1pm! thats like 5 hrs non-stop. after that i went to the toilet to puke. couldnt take it cause so long nvr do so long liao. somemore breakfast was like curry and bread?WTF? then was my other assessment, my soft skills evaluation. hope i did well for that. after that is just the preparation for the Adventure Training Camp. then GO HOME! went to eat prata with family after that. finally i need to not eat canteen food.YES!

abt my greatest regret, it's cause that the contingent commanders were chosen unfairly. i did not even get a chance to try out. sian. no sword *sob.

anyway, i just want my rank.

this course gave me a time to take my mind off things. but now, im back and the things are coming back again. i really dunno what to do. wonder how she's doing? she won a bronze i think, since i read from the past days newspaper.LOL(last time she would just tell me, now i have to read newspaper. haiz) but i hope she's well( i say this all the time even though i know she is.)

sian

2007-12-04T21:47:00.000+08:00

going for the CIBTC tml. not really looking forward to it though. dunno why either. perhaps, i have no more motivation to go on anymore. i feel so tired. well, today did a lot of last minute shopping for the freaking course. i think i spent over $30 for the course itself. and thats not even inclusive of the Adventure Training Camp afterwards. haiz. waste time, waste money. how to save money like that. suddenly as the training draws nearer. i feel abit afraid. nowadays, i dunno why whenever i go for periods away from any form of contact i feel so lost and depressed. just cant stand that feeling. anyway, went to pass weeling my free tickets to The Golden Compass which i cant go because it is tml. haiz. will find a time to watch it, i think.

well, im going off for my course liao. think she's going off to thailand tml as well. haiz. wonder when i will get to see her again.

P.S. weeling your secret occupation is very unique. really didnt expect you would do that. haha.

im going off, and the very person that i want to know it does not know.*sob

lol

2007-12-02T23:21:00.000+08:00

another day alone at home. woke up quite late today cause no one to make noise or anything. so end up whole morning stoning at the tv until abt 12 plus then left for church. i dunno why, but everything suddenly seems different. perhaps its just me but its feels different. i dun like different. i hate what i am now and what i have now. seems now all my friends are missing. whatever i did today, i did it alone. its scary to have this feeling. went church wanted to look for keane or russell. keane didnt reply my msgs until the end of the service while russell brought his gf come today so he had to send her home right after the service hence, didnt have an opportunity to talk to him at all. even in church i sat alone. cant find my friends. after service did not meet them cos no meeting. this made me feel that my friends are all either attached , no longer contacting or just missing in action. i just dunno what to do. even now, i just feel that feelings i have inside only i know. what do people expect me to do. talk to God right? talk to someone that when you hear something theres a 50-50 chance that is yourself counseling your own self. is it true that the more i want something, the more i dun get it? instead i get the opposite reaction. its too unfair to me. what have i done wrong. i worked so hard. persevered so long and came so far. and this is what i get. is this what i deserve? if this is so, I DUN WANT TO PASS MY Os WITH FLYING COLOURS. I DUN WANT TO BE AWARDED BEST CIT FOR THE CIBTC. I WANT TO BE SAD. then now will this come true?. i just need one thing i want to happen to happen. that would be enough. that would be enough. I ASK FOR SOMETHING SO SMALL AND I GET NOTHING. WHATS WRONG??

haiz. days pass by and not a day that i have not thought about you. its pain me to think about you but i dun care. without you, the feeling is like nothing in this world. indescribable agony. and it all just summaries into three words.
i miss you.

Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had
Is no longer there.

i tried so hard not to get a sore throat ytd. guess what? woke up today withe a sore throat. fuck sia.zzz

day 0

2007-12-01T23:09:00.000+08:00

woke up very early even though i slept like at 3am. left the hse at around 645 together with my parents who were headed for m'sia. for me, i had to go to HTA for day 0 briefing today. it was damn tiring although there were some funny things that happened that made me laugh like siao. guess what? i look better as a CI than a cadet. i haven even become one and i look like one already. cool sia. whole day just had lecture after lecture. imagine i still have nine days to go. after the thing which ended like 3 plus. super tired after that. so went lunch the outram guys and florence who was damn freaking lazy. after that homed. received a call from weeling to go out for dinner(yes!!!company at last P.S. im not complimenting you, just glad i can talk cock) so went to meet her and xiwen at central(???) then chatted for a while before they wanted to go eat. surprisingly, i was not hungry so i couldnt make up my mind. so sorry eh?

i understand that you all want to know what exactly is the story. honestly, i would like to know to. i seem to be hidden away from so many things. i want to let go but i cant. its too hard. everytime im alone i think abt her and what she said. asking myself the same things again and again. question is not how it happened but why did it happened. i feel distraught. cant seem to think of why things in my life are going on this way. its haunting to everytime close my eyes and think abt the same things again. haiz. what am i to do?

Dear God
Avenged Sevenfold\

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
and all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
when hope begins to fade...

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around
when I'm much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

i simply love this song. just look at the lyrics.
"dear God, the only thing i ask of you is to hold her hand when im not around." oh God, please do so.

title

2007-11-30T19:37:00.000+08:00

yet another day goes by like this. i have to stop numbing myself with doing work. its not working anymore. what goes around comes around. have i done something wrong then i ask. why when the more i want something, the more i dun get it. its just so unfair. some people get everything and i get nothing. im been trying so hard to change. but why does it still turn out the same? im so tired playing the game of life. whats the point playing when you keep losing. nobody would want be at the losing end. been thinking real hard this few days. and i just want her to be happy. i dun want anything else. if me disappearing makes you happy, just say the word and i'll be gone. reminiscing the times hurts so bad each time. every word you said that time is like a knife that went right through me. so what am i to do now. haiz. guess what, my whole family will be away for holiday except for me. cause, tml i have training. anyone interested to join me for dinner? call me please. i hate eating alone. enough of the word "alone" already. i need company, been super restless recently. well, whats there to add somemore.

so girl, is it that i dont deserve you or what?

call me out for dinner tml please, someone.

tired

2007-11-29T15:25:00.000+08:00

i feel so restless. have no idea what to do now. yet another sleepness night, haiz. im so sick of that. went to play badminton with keane and friends today. thank god for him, at least he made me smile for the first time in a long time. he's such a great pal. saw her at the sports hall trng as well. haiz. i needed that workout, at least itv kept things off my mind. but now, back to reality. this feeling i have is so sickening. i really dunno what to do now. i feel so lost. perhaps even in despair. someone talk to me! songs i hear nowadays make me feel just worst. even in my own media player in random order its plays all the emo songs. haiz. think god is trying to counsel me. what else to write. i have no mood. my life taking a plunge now and its time to pick up the pieces.

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain
rubbish la..

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbid to shine

turning point

2007-11-28T09:55:00.000+08:00

broken, anguish, sadness, disappointment. this is all i have to say now. suddenly i just feel like giving up everything i have to complete now and kill myself. seems like i lost my goal in life. no more meaning anymore. why? why am i always like this. everything i do seems only to give me nothing but disappointment. what am i going to go on now. i just lost someone dear. despondent now. wonder how long this will last. its killing me inside. couldn't sleep the whole fucking night. cant stop thinking. thoughts flashing through my mind. im so useless. asshole, jerk, bastard am i, ain't i? i know the whole world hates me. now i feel even God hates me. i hope not. otherwise, i might as well really die. what am i to do next. i never felt so lost before. for the first time i ask, where are the directions?. i am at more than a cross road. i am at a dead end. either i turn back or i die trying. i hate what is not meant to be. i hate everything. moreover i hate myself for loving you. perhaps i should have given up long ago. perhaps i shouldn't have fallen for you. perhaps i shouldn't even come to this school. perhaps i shouldn't have been in NPCC. perhaps like this, i have a much happier life. perhaps, perhaps ,perhaps. fuck it. zao zhi jing ri he bi dang chu. wen di shi, wo gen ben dou bu zhi dao zao zhi jing ri shi yi ge zhen mo ying de huan jing. this sucks big time. i feel so numb now. who can i talk to. im all alone at home again. loneliness is killing me. its not physical torture but mental. cause thoughts keep coming. erasing the feelings i have now is mission impossible. why have memories when they are so painful to remember. why think about the future when the present sucks. i dun even dare think about the future. some people get everything in the world, and i? I GET NOTHING AT ALL. lets just hope the Mayans are right and that the world will just stop at 2012. finally then, i can see the messiah. enjoy the riches of heaven and never ever have to worry as this word no longer exist. dreams keep me alive but yet they are the ones killing me now. ironic the world is. sadly, theres nothing we can do about it. i know its not the end of the world to everyone. but it is to me. anyway, nobody cares isnt it? so might as well i go and die then the world would be a better place for the people around me. let this asshole get what he deserves. bet whoever hates me, which is almost everyone, who reads this must be laughing their asses out now. yes! you, the one who hates me to the core, i screwed up. HAPPY NOW?! LAUGH THEN YOU BLOODY MOTHERFUCKER. LAUGH ALL YOU WANT.

oh, let time tick my life away second by second cause i lost my purpose

yeah!!

2007-11-21T21:36:00.000+08:00

today was one heck of a day. woke up at 630 rush here rush there. had to meet florence at 830 in serangoon. haiz. this was because the bloody hq only email me ytd, then mr khoo was not in school. so had to go all the way there to get him endorse for
us. after that went to do the bloody medical checkup. wtf la. the urine test keep failing. haha. in the end the doctor just passed us. so thanks to florence mother we made it to HTA in time. phew..

at HTA, still need to wait until 1330. cause we were there too early. zzz. so was in anticipation seh. going to get my uniform. YEAH!!. so after a long standing and briefing on uniform etiquette(im so sick of that) again. finally, the time has come for me to get my new uniform!!. went in the officers inside were real funny but this made it really fun for us to gt our stuff more effectively. oh yea. my peaked cap and zipper boots!!!

here are the pics( i know im crazy..:) )

my peaked cap

my zipper boots..:D

hehe..nice eh?. poor weeling working her ass off. haha. honestly la, im no better better go there kena scolding only. appreciate the nice and peaceful enviroment ok ms lee?..

in my mind i find.

2007-11-19T15:58:00.000+08:00

well, i cant seem to find much to write here. maybe cause my life this hols is just eat, sleep, watch tv, go online(waiting for the fucking npcc hq to email me..Zzz). cant seem to find anything to so. cant go to work either, cause there isnt a job that would allow me to work for only like 2 weeks. anyway now, its less than two weeks till my CIBTC. its kinda like a bittersweet feeling im getting about the course. im looking forward to new uniform, my zipper boots and my peaked cap. im not looking forward to two weeks of not being able to go home.(i just found out, even weekends i stay IN:(..).. but then, it can ease my boredom, i think. prom is coming up. not really anticipating it, dunno why. maybe cause it was dragged too long and just simply lose interest already. that is..unless i find another reason to go..

hell man, someone ask me to go out. i dun care who. just allow me to leave my hse. sick of the food in my area. think probably the whole clementi i have eaten somewhere before. thought of going sch and check out the campcraft team, but then again, dun want to feel disappointed later again. i need entertainment. someone entertain me please. who wants to go out have coffee or whatever and just chill?..(doubt anyone i know is getting to read that...-.-|||).. let this just reach someone and ppl will start calling me out..

haven seen her for the longest time. wonder how is she doing. think nowadays she should have trng in the morning and afternoon. haiz. when will i ever get a chance to see her? i hope soon, so many things want to tell her. but yet, i cant seem to find a chance. just wish that she would call and like chat or whatever. just hope that i can do what i want to do before my CIBTC. then will have no regrets.

to the world you may be one person, but to me you are the world.

2007-11-17T10:30:00.000+08:00

another great song with great lyrics..

Pushing Me Away
Linkin Park

I've lied to you
The same way that I always do
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you

(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away

I've tried like you
To do everything you wanted too
This is the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you

(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Pushes me away

linkin park

2007-11-17T10:28:00.000+08:00

love the lyrics..read it..esp the chorus

Points Of Authority
Linkin Park

Forfeit the game
Before somebody else
Takes you out of the frame
Puts your name to shame
Cover up your face
You can't run the race
The pace is too fast
You just won't last

You love the way I look at you
While taking pleasure in the awful things you put me through
You take away if I give in
My life
My pride is broken

[Chorus:]
You like to think you're never wrong
(You live what you've learned)
You have to act like you're someone
(You live what you've learned)
You want someone to hurt like you
(You live what you've learned)
You want to share what you have been through
(You live what you've learned)

You love the things I say I'll do
The way I hurt myself again just to get back at you
You take away when I give in
My life
My pride is broken

[Chorus]

Forfeit the game
Before somebody else
Takes you out of the frame
Puts your name to shame
Cover up your face
You can't run the race
The pace is too fast
You just won't last

[Chorus]

[Chorus:]
You like to think you're never wrong – Forfeit the game
(You live what you've learned)
You have to act like you're someone – Forfeit the game
(You live what you've learned)
You want someone to hurt like you – Forfeit the game
(You live what you've learned)
You want to share what you have been through
(You live what you've learned)

Graduation Day

2007-11-16T09:09:00.000+08:00

this four years have brought me laughter, tears and every emotion that you can ever think of. its been hard at times but its all over alright. coming to think of it, I'm really leaving eh?.. its kinda of hard to believe it, completing 10 years of education already. but well, all good things have to come to end an end. with every ending comes a new beginning right? hope i get over this feeling of detachment soon. but its really so fast. can't bring myself to believe it to be exact. hope this journey with the people i met here does not end together with it. people like wang zhi, howe yong. although they may be a bit irritating but i still enjoy the times i have with them. i will certainly miss nagging at eddie to work hard, hope he knows that even when the whole world turns their back on you, you still will have my support, cheers always. people that i started to detest, dun really want to go there, but just want to say that i put all the feuds behind. and i dun ever want to look back. then there's the bunch weeling xi wen, will always remember the wacky things that you all do..especially xiwen. weeling, just stay as how you already are, and dun always be affected by problems in life cause, know that you are never facing them alone. you still have a friend like me that you can talk too..:)..lots more that i want to say but i just can't bring myself to say here.

recently been into linkin park's songs, just realised that the songs meaning really reflects how i feel. maybe it was after the concert that the words really touched my heart. so deep inside. almost as though the concert was a gentle comfort for my soul. maybe a little encouragement. the song numb especially had a even more significant meaning. perhaps i have not become numb, but you have. another song is points of authority
cause you like to think your never wrong. but i have never ever been angry about that cause you mean everything to me.

it's been so long since i talked to you. give me a chance please. asking you out has never been so difficult. all i ask is for a road that i can go, a path i can take, a choice i can make. i really just can't find a chance to tell you. it tears me completely in the inside when i can't see you and tell you how much you mean to me and that i want to be with you. i know you might never ever read this, but i really really like you.

and i tell you my friends, what's worst than having no hope is having false hope.

good luck to all sec 4 Queenstownians, may we meet again.
P.S. i will be back on 28 dec 07

Nicholas

i'm back!

2007-11-14T10:34:00.001+08:00

its been a really long time since i have come to blog here. lots of things happened during the period. be it good or... bad.. but now, life has never been ever worst. I'M FREAKING BORED! i can't get a job cause i only can work like only one? two weeks?.. nobody wants to hire if i work like that. its like might as well slack until my CIBTC. but then damn sian. need something to do, otherwise will go siao. i dunno whether is i suay or that God is trying to disturb me. things that i really want to do i seem to not have a chance to do it. its so irritating. hope i will get a chance soon , or i'm so scared that i will regret if i dun take my chances soon. i really hope what i do will work.

anyway, went to the linkin park live in Singapore ytd!! woohoo! it was GREAT!! well, i will cut the crap and show some pictures and videos(not very clear though :P)

this is after everything was OVER..:(

what im i suppose to do?

2007-09-30T10:13:00.000+08:00

please dont ever compare how i treat you and how i treat others. its just because your different. a smile from you to me could make my day anytime. i dont ask for much yet i get nothing all the time. its like a knife to the heart. it hurts so badly to see you acting like that. why have you become so cold recently. im so afraid, afraid that what has happened before will happen again. that was the period i hated the most. what have i done wrong this time again. i still dont understand. everything you told me, you always said i dont understand. but, i really do, i really understand. its just that i have nothing to say to answer you. its not that we have nothing to say, its just that you seem to hide a lot of things. dont hide from me please. i really care for you a lot. i can be your shoulder to cry on. a word from you and i will go through hell and back again just for you. i just need you to understand. that you are more than what the others are. i give my all. never had i felt this low before. suddenly everything seems more difficult to overcome. i think im under a lot of stress. and yet, i doing more to myself. but sometimes it really hurts to see the things she is doing. i think berserk cant even be used to describe how im feeling. perhaps my mind is too numb, but i simply cant harden my heart of mine till my exams are over. i have 0% encouragement from anyone close. yet im giving my 100% to all around me. people say im selfish. if i am will i sacrifice so much for a unit that has almost a nil chance of moving forward and that even if i have a practically useless portfolio. if im selfish, would i bother to give money and send an injured old man home. if im selfish, would i give my all to help someone who is really i like. it is human to err. but why am i always blacklisted all the time. i dont wanna lose what i have now. tell me what am i supposed to do?

"cos you mean the world to me"

im gonna make you feel like heaven on earth. im gonna thank your mother for giving you birth. im gonna hold you in my arms when you cry. if that's ok with you...

haiz..

2007-09-26T18:01:00.000+08:00

prelims are out. you know what, im PETRIFIED by what im seeing. i really dunno what to do liao. its not that i did not put in effort, but it seems that nothing im doing is actually helping me improve my grades. im really afraid that i might not even make it to the ITE. that would be my worst nightmare. im not exactly hearing anything positive from my parents. i really dun want to disappoint them. i need assurance. assurance in every aspect in my life. i have to stop frightening myself with thoughts that dun make sense at all. COME ON NICHOLAS! WAKE UP! DONT WORRY! someone, anyone, tell me what im seeing is not real. i dun need motivation, i need encouragement. i dun need strength, i need courage. i dun need mugging, i need enlightenment. oh, inside of me is a struggle. suddenly, im seem so afraid of everything. this is not the real me, i know it. please remind me of who i am. for i have lost myself. on the brink of insanity is like walking on a tight rope. i never know when i just might lose control and lose everything. my mind is going crazy, hyper. i have to stop thinking of things that frighten me. i have to assure myself. i need someone to assure me. but who, i wonder. i think i know the answer but does the person know? what really scares the shit of me now is that i cant seem to focus like i used to do. Os are like 20 over days away, but what have i done? i made sacrifices, but are they worth it. whatever i do seems futile. but something deep inside of my heart tells me to persevere on. i move with faith even though things may falter it. i move with trust even though things prove otherwise. for i believe. determination like no other and i shall win. i going to run final lap and win. what others can do, i believe i can do it as well or better. i shall follow the voice that guides me through my time of darkness and challenges.

Psalms 23
"the Lord is my shepherd, i shall not be in want. He makes me lie on green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His Name's sake. Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me, and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

sickening

2007-09-15T21:12:00.000+08:00

today is a damn sian day.. woke up realizing my sore throat got worst.. worst still was that got a bit of fever.. haiz.. so mum persuaded me to see a doctor.. so go see doctor .. found out that i got swelling on both sides of my tonsils(tonsillitis) and throat inflammation.. when i heard it was like "WTF, so jia lat ah?".. so he gave me the strongest antibiotics he had and some other medicine.. whole day cant even swallow properly.. damn shitty eh this feeling..haiz..hope by mon will recover.. this stinging pain in my throat sucks.. lucky still can talk otherwise i monday die liao.. ok.. im freaking bored.. lalalalala... pain..... argh....

great song

2007-09-12T16:05:00.000+08:00

If That's OK With You
I love the way you look without your make up
I had a girl before we met but we broke up
Theres something 'bout you that makes me want to step up
step up and be with you
If That's Ok With You

We'll keep the neighbors awake too late too late
cos imma make you feel so good thats how i see it happening
yeah we'll keep the neighbours awake to late too late
cos baby i wanna step up and be with you
if thats ok with you

im gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna thank your mother just for giving you birth
im gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
if thats ok with you
if thats ok with you

I wanna keep your toothbrush at my apartment
Make a second set of keys and ask you to move in
I'm not crazy
I know what im getting myself in
I wanna live with you
If thats ok with you

im gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna thank your mother just for giving you birth
im gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
if thats ok with you
if thats ok with you

If thats ok with you
If im gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna thank your mother just for giving you birth
im gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
if thats ok with you
if thats ok with you
if thats ok with you
if thats ok with you
yeah yeah

we'll keep the neighbours awake too late too late
I wanna love you this way that way this way
We'll keep the neighbours awake too late too late
I wanna love you this way that way this way

im gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna thank your mother just for giving you birth
im gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
if thats ok with you
if thats ok with you
Im gonna love you

im gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna thank your mother just for giving you birth
im gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
if thats ok with you
if thats ok with you
If thats ok with you
If if thats ok with you
if thats ok with you
if thats ok with you
Thats if thats ok with you

haha

2007-09-09T11:35:00.000+08:00

i'm very bored now. really dunno what to do. it's like the prelims are here liao and seems like everybody is going to flunk it. furthermore, heard there is still the first three months? haiz. sian. don't even want to think about it. hope i can do well for it. just hope my a maths would improve in time for the Os. cause thats the only thing holding me back now. rest of my subs are still doing well. except eng and ss which keep fluctuating. its damn irritating. one time i got 17/25 the next is 7/25. haiz. i want to study but so like "argh" feeling when i'm doing work. well, i'm going to try anyway. it's my future.

things around me are getting better( i think, (ya weeling suan all you want.)) some problems still haven solved yet. but you know whats the best part?. i don't even know whats the problem. anyway, we'll see how it goes la.

dunno what else to write sia. this few days always accompany people to study. of course i also got study(a bit) la. okokokokokokokokok.. dunno what to write liao.

bye.

haiz

2007-09-04T13:46:00.000+08:00

i don't even know how to start this.. seeing myself in the mirror with that fucked up face demoralises me.. i seemed so tired, so lost, so depressed.. why am i like this?.. seeing her acting like this now perhaps.. its a deep struggle in the inside.. i really dunno what to do already.. she seems to be afraid to be with me.. but im really confused.. or is it just that she dun want people to see us together?.. haiz.. i need answers.. im so sick of questions already.. i really want to get her back.. i admit.. IM JEALOUS!.. happy now?.. is that what you want to hear?.. argh.. my head hurts so badly now.. i cannot take it anymore.. i cant stand this feeling.. i really feel like killing.. i dont want to lose you... this sounds corny i know.. but ya.. can you ever understand why i do all this?.. am i that insignificant to you.. after all this time.. what we have.. i know its a lie what you saying now.. on the outside i may seem fine.. but its the internal turmoil that kills me thoroughly.. i need help.. i need someone to get it to her..because i cant seem to get her anymore.. she is obviously avoiding.. but why?.. lets talk things out.. think russell may be right.. shes probably trying to spite me.. well then tell her.. its working!.. can we get things back now?.. only so that i can control this problem.. haiz.. i really dunno what to do now.. i thought everything was back to normal.. haiz.. this could be the last time im going to put my faith and believe her..

P.S. FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING FUCKER!!LEAVE ALONE!!GET OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE I DO SOMETHING REAL NASTY!!

if do something you dun want me to know dun let me see it!!!

take a look around.. nothing much has changed has it? or is it too much?

"I
I do not dare deny
The basic beast inside
It's right here, it's controlling my mind
And why
Do I deserve to die?
I'm dominated by
This animal that's locked up inside"

FREEDOM!!

2007-09-02T00:21:00.000+08:00

this two days my parents not around so got quite a lot of freedom.. ya.. that explains why im blogging at 12am plus in the morning now.. what my mum would say as "bo zeng hu" or meaning no government.. haha..

well, ytd was teachers' day.. was alright except it was damn boring!.. its so wah lao la.. nearly wanted to fall asleep during the concert part.. but the dances were great esp the sec 2s.. haha.. then after that went out to have a very disgusting yoshinoya at great world there.. it really spoiled my impression of the stall.. then after that weeling went back to her pri sch, weiling they all went to her hse.. so i was left with her.. went to catch a movie la.. ratatouille.. it was not bad la.. except that was a bit sian at certain parts.. after that just accompany her get her discs then go home lor.. haha.. slept until 9 plus then wake up to use comp for a while.. hahaha.. then weeling said she was making jelly..lol.. until 2am..

today, went to watch hairspray with weeling and xiwen.. seriously wanted to treat you weeling..but dunno why you suddenly refused.. next time.. i promise.. but anyway, didnt really got what i expected for the show.. it turned out to be a musical.. lol.. so went to like watch concert in a cinema.. but its was quite nice.. interesting to see john travolta as a woman.. haha.. but he was really good.. after that went to eat.. then have to get dinner for my super lazy sister.. actually wanted to meet her for dinner.. but then she turned out to have dinner settled liao:(.. so i went for my bible class(reluctantly) as i was nearby.. sian one la.. after that went to meet wangzhi lor..cos he was ard.. went to get drinks then we crapped at esplanade there.. actually, wang didnt change much..maybe its just us.. he feels the same to me.. as nonsensical as ever la... haha.. then walk to cineleisure with him.. showed him the power of faith.. cos every traffic light we went to, once we reached it will turn green man instantly.. haha.. he still dun believe though.. haha.. then he go watch his movie la.. siao one dun go home..haha...

my creation during sci prac.. see, play chemical
still can do get 11/15.. haha

well thats it for now..
a song for you all..

"The Great Escape"
"Boys Like Girls"
Paper bags and plastic hearts
All are belongings in shopping carts
It's goodbye
But we got one more night
Let's get drunk and ride around
And make peace with an empty town
We can make it right

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway
Watch it burn
Let it die
Cause we are finally free tonight

Tonight will change our lives
It's so good to be by your side
But we'll cry
We won't give up the fight
We'll scream loud at the top of our lungs
And they'll think it's just cause we're young
And we'll feel so alive

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway
Watch it burn
Let it die
Cause we are finally free tonight

All of the wasted time
The hours that were left behind
The answers that we'll never find
They don't mean a thing tonight

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway
Watch it burn
Let it die
Cause we are finally free tonight

"don't pretend you ever forget about me.."

bye..

sian

2007-08-25T20:24:00.000+08:00

isn't it hard to realise at this point of time that the greatest disappointment that you have is actually that you fail being yourself? have been thinking a lot recently, feel so troubled from all this thoughts. haiz.. at this time of the year liao, why am i still wasting time on unnecessary things?.. i really can't take all this. i've been faced with too many disappointments too many times. has this world ever been fair to me before? have anything i done actually been able to portray the bigger picture i have been talking about all this while? what have i done wrong to deserve this. paid a price too high for something so low. i always come back asking myself, is it worth? .. i have been going on like this for so long. i can;t give up yet. its not worth it... but, maybe not yet.

well.. this week she's gone to China.. some things i want to tell her, but i really dunno how to start. seems like our relationship has a lot of empty gaps in between. but then come to think of it, maybe some gaps are better left empty then at least we have a chance to learn from what we have done wrong and continue on. what really saddens me is that i realised that after all this time what she tell people to tell me is all a bunch of LIES. tell me how would you feel if someone who means a lot lies to you about something?. its unbearable isnt it? maybe i should just put this behind us and continue on from where we left off. the questions that i still am puzzled about is that she ask someone to tell me(yet again.. haiz.. why cant she just tell me..) before that i control her too much?.. why did i do some things? i really hate it when you keep mentioning about someone that i don't really like. its not that i am asking you not to befriend the person but can you just show me the basic courtesy?.. i admit im jealous.. happy? seriously, would you like it if i kept mentioning about someone in times that its just the two of us?..why can't you understand? if i can understand things you tell me, why can't you do the same to mine?.. but anyway, now that we are better, i don;t want anything to come between us again. still believe that we'll work out. don't tell me you don't think so. stop lying to me and yourself already please?

"Whatever It Takes"
Lifehouse

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

let this song tell you how i feel..
(if you ever asked me how many times i think of you when your gone? i would say once, because i have never stop thinking of you since your gone.)
and now, i wishing you be by my side..
i really......

2007-08-17T21:54:00.000+08:00

"remember nothing, forgive everything"

something that i just created.. think it sounds familiar?..yea.. actually changed it from the 'Bourne Ulitimatum" movie.. meaning is different though.. but dont you think it make sense.. maybe some things its best to just let go and start afresh again.. patience pays off most of the time.. time heals all.. time makes us forget.. time helps us accept each other for who we are.. feel that finally things are starting to get better.. some things are just simply meant to be i suppose?.. haha.. when all hope is lost, a glimmer of chance appears.. this gives us strength to go on.. fight till the end.. dont ever ask yourself " how long more".. tell yourself "i want it to last forever.." believe in something so much as it will happen.. i believe so much so.. i have the faith to go out and with assurance that what i want would be mine..

well.. tml going for the monopoly challenge with Lizhong.. hehe.. hope i can win the $5000... wish me luck.. haha...

bye..

2007-08-15T16:53:00.000+08:00

well... today was oral!!.. haha.. it went great so happy that the topic that came out was related to geography...:P think i can get a distinction for eng now...wahaha... but then i saw her just now like very upset.. but fortuanately she not crying otherwise i really dunno what i'll do then... smth crazy perhaps..lol... think i will msg her tonight.. make sure she's alright.. otherwise.. seeing her like that i also feel so.. helpless...

recently a lot of teachers' like very interested on whether i got study a not.. first was mr wan, suddenly come to me asking whether i got study for my subs a not.. then was mr chong who came talking to me and asking me to study hard.. after was ms chee.. during the field trip we had to city hall.. but she said that it was mr chiang who asked her.. that got me thinking.. mr chiang doesnt teach me anything but why is he asking about me?.. today was mr khoo who asked me.. i really dunno why the teachers' keep asking me..somemore a majority are HODs.. i really got shaken.. i cant disappoint them.. since they have such hopes for me.. i need something to stir me up to persevere... maybe things are getting better now..hope it will carry on.. somethings are better left the way it is.. but some just have to change for the better... must work hard liao...

church this week was on "winning even when others do a better than you".. this sermon struck me.. quite hard in fact.. then pastor was calling on all those who feel unappreciated and feel that no matter how much they have done people are not accepting and taking you for granted.. when i heard that..it touched me somehow rather deep inside.. just like the day before i was talking about that then the next day..question answered.. and i hope that i will continue to serve on and believe that what i do will pay off soon..

being number one is not as important as being the number two..as it is for the number two who made the number one, number one... its the person who works behind the scene who matters..

"i am committed to make you succeed.."

thats it..bye..

Nicholas

2007-08-13T17:39:00.000+08:00

i feel something is not right since sunday.. hope nothing bad is going to happen... hehe...i passed chinese... hahahaha.. blog next time.. not free now..

try to give you warning but nobody' listening

2007-08-10T21:39:00.000+08:00

questions are actually the thing that makes our lives as interesting as they are.. a life without questions is a boring life.. the human race is actually a boring bunch if people.. but when they start wondering why this happens and that happens is the spark of intelligence in the person.. questions are the factors that result in character building of such things we know as perseverance, determination and motivation. let me show you an example.

question: why do i have to study?
(then you will start to answer your own question)
answer:cause i want to achieve good results so that my future can be molded the way i want it to be.

this is the thing that actually starts us up to move towards something.. i remember from the superteens workshop i attended by Dr Ernest Wong.. he taught us that in order to excel we must have goals.. this answers are the goals we are looking for.. its gives us the strength to press on.. never ever giving up..

however, not all things are exactly worth our time.. as people always say that we should always treasure the things around us otherwise we would regret it when its gone.. but truly how many people out there really do it?.. who actually learns the lessons from the mistakes of the past.. no one.. this is sadly true.. that is why we should cherish the things worth treasuring and not those that are not worth it.. goals may not be always achievable.. we have to weigh its worth before considering whether is it good or bad.. this will stop us from regretting from doing something that we thought we wouldnt regret.. some things are not easy to do..but since when has life ever been easy?.. we have to constantly remind ourselves that things are never easy but if we do not push ourselves how can we achieve anything.. careful what you wish for as it just may happen..

think the right way not the positive or optimistic way.. predict the consequence before doing the action.. live life with confidence not fear.. things may be hard but somethings are worth it at the end although the process may suck.. haiz.. life is tough but we still have to go on.. just pray and it will be better..

Matthew 7:7-8
ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will fin; knock on the door and it will be opened to you. for everyone who asks, receives; he who seeks find; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

take a moment ponder on that.. maybe it will be just what you are looking for.. im tired going through shit..just want it to stop liao.. seems like i lost control of my life.. its no longer my LIFE.. i lost my purpose.. haiz..

Nobody's Listening
Linkin Park

Yo, peep the style and the kids checking for it
The number one question is how could you ignore it
We drop right back in the cut over basement tracks
With raps that got you backing this up like
Rewind that we're just rolling with the rhythm
Rise from the ashes of stylistic division
With these non-stop lyrics of life living
Not to be forgotten but still unforgiven
But in the meantime there are those who wanna talk this and that
So I suppose that it gets to a point where feelings gotta get hurt
And get dirty with the people spreading the dirt

it goes

[Chorus]
(Tried to give you warning but everyone ignores me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobody’s listening)
(Called to you so clearly but you don’t want to hear me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobody’s listening)

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
handfull of anger, held in my chest
And everything left’s a waste of time
I hate my rhymes, but hate everyone else’s more
I’m riding on the back of this pressure
Guessing that it’s better I can’t keep myself together
Because all of this stress gave me something to write on
The pain gave me something I could set my sights on
Never forget the blood sweat and tears
The uphill struggle over years the fear and
Trash talking and the people it was to
And the people that started it just like you

[Chorus]
(Tried to give you warning but everyone ignores me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobody’s listening)
(Called to you so clearly but you don’t want to hear me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobody’s listening)

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
handfull of anger, held in my chest
Uphill struggle
Blood sweat and tears
Nothing to gain
Everything to fear

Heart full of pain, head full of stress
handfull of anger, held in my chest
Uphill struggle
Blood sweat and tears
Nothing to gain
Everything to fear

Heart full of pain

[Chorus]
(Tried to give you warning but everyone ignores me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobody’s listening)
(Called to you so clearly but you don’t want to hear me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobody’s listening)

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
(Nobody’s listening)
handfull of anger, held in my chest
(Nobody’s listening)
Uphill struggle
Blood sweat and tears
(Nobody’s listening)
Nothing to gain
Everything to fear
(Nobody’s listening)

Coming at you from every side

life IS a contradiction

2007-08-08T21:56:00.000+08:00

why do i say this?..it may sound weird but its true.. cause i have so many of contradictions in life.. i believe that what causes a person to get into a state of depression is because he cannot take the amount of contradiction happening in their lives.. contradictions are when you want something to happen so much but yet the reverse happens.. its sometimes so difficult to accept that you just might lose it and go bonkers!.. thats actually how im feeling recently.. let me share with you two contradictions in my life.

Contradiction #1
well.. as people know im a very hardcore npcc person.. i dare say im the only one in this bloody school who actually cares about the overall unit rather than getting power and abusing it onto people.. worst still showing it off to everyone who are your peers.. this kind of people are the most useless.. however, although i have been trying to contribute so much to the unit but yet i dun get anything and instead it goes to someone who doesnt even do much effort to make a difference.. im not trying to say im doing something very big or what, but what im trying to achieve and the bigger picture im showing is definitely more obvious that im doing something compared to the other two.. i may sound like sour grapes now but all this is true.. its really hard to see something you worked so hard for just being taken away from you just like this..the feeling, the pain,.. is indescribable...what i can say is that it SUCKED, big time in fact.. never have i felt so low and downcast before.. ever since i became an NCO nothing has ever been the same.. everytrhing i do seem tom be always going down the drain or used as someone elses work..argh..thinking about it makes me so angered.. this made me learn a very important lesson.. what my principal said about " doing the right things even if nobody is watching" is literally bullshit in Singapore.. it should be changed to "do the right things only when someone actually is watching".. isnt that so?..if no ones sees you, you will never get the recognition you deserve.. talk about meritocracy, which rewards people who worked hard..i dun see that happening.. so just throw that policy away sia.. its just bullshit..haiz...so this is the first contradiction...its really more jialat then it seems...what till you actually face the ostracization...wah...thats what i call point break of the human limit..

Contradiction #2
this is one of the things that drive me crazy actually all the time..what do you first think when it comes to giving kindness?..begetting it isnt it?..my case is different..by now a lot of people would know abt me and you know who..well, she is someone i like a lot..but i really dunno how she feels or thinks about.. cos she is like always hot and cold with me..so most of the time i dunno whats happening..i've been trying very hard to win her..but sometimes it really feels like its always wasted..but nevertheless, i continued cos i dun believe she doesnt have the same thing for me..whatever she ask me to do i will do..people will say im stupid..but wont u do anything for someone u like even though sometimes its very stupid..i gave up much things cos of her..part of the things in npcc i lost is because i wanted to be there for her always so i didnt want to go npcc that often..but yet now she say im controlling her too much..i never did intend to do so..i really dunno whats happening now..its really killing me to see you treating me worst than a stranger..its like who dun know each other anymore..everytime i see her right in front of me i really want her to talk to me cos i dun want this to go on..even if she hates the person she will still talk to the person..but yet now..shes avoiding me..and yet she says shes not..LIES LIES!!..why! tell me why!..dun hide and avoid the problem anymore..you started this and i want to end it!!WHY WONT YOU LET ME?!if its my fault i already said im sorry.. what more you want...i really dun want to give you up..i already am nearly there..why must all this always happen to me..i really rather she hate me..so at least there is a reason..but now there is no reason..this contradiction is the one that truly kills me..its painfully torturing.. time will heal but i dun want it to heal..as that would mean i forget everything..i dun want to forget the things we have.. just like in a song it says"how do i love you, if you just wont talk to me"..

well...i really am a very screwed person..useless when things come to me.. how do i go one?

hey hey hey

2007-08-06T18:19:00.000+08:00

its been awhile eh.. cos i realised this blog has been tampered with..haiz...ok will be posting soon just let me solve some problems with stupid computer.. see ya..

Wait For You
Elliott Yamin

i never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone,
Girl you could have stayed
but you wouldn't give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then i can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

[Bridge]

So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be

[Chorus]

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

[Verse 2]

It's been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You got me feeling crazy (crazy)
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is & it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me, your still in love with me
Don't leave me crying.

[Bridge]

Baby why can't we just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But your telling me it wont be enough

[Chorus]

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

[Bridge]

So why does you pride make you run & hide
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what your keeping inside
Thats not how you want it to be

Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing i do

[Chorus]

Baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

I'll Be Waiting.

its a great song..

see ya real soon..